Blood n Gold (poem)

What am I rejecting?
These patrons, while upsetting
are there to tell me
it's bound to bleed
eventually.

I must transform
old waves forgone
long crashes ago
foam bubbles seeped
into the soil
cycled up & over & down again
falling on the porch
in a heap so pitiful
only could be a pretty girl.

Laid out bare (the torch of grace)
I leave a bloody stain
upon her lovely face.

What am I rejecting?
the sense of reflection
past repremanding
recommending the future
present. presents wrapped in gold.
pre-presented at
the heart tugged
dragging from the cartoonish
man with saggy ears to
the sky flipping coins
and tricks to get by.

who the hell am i?
get rich and die
do we not see the disguise?
(democracy lies).
so while we make up these lies
smiles worth six pence and a knife,
try to understand the
child of gold crying
from her bloody eyes.

die constantly

Ram Dass talks about the moment of death being a pinnacle of spiritual growth.  Because the deepest mystery of universe is revealed to us.  Be curious.  present.  not clinging to any particular path or stories.

I'd like to take this a step further, as one's inner-masochist might say: die constantly.  Every second, every breath is an opportunity to let go of who you think you are.  Who you think you should be.  You aren't your body.  All you have is the awareness of the air and energy flowing in and out of you.  This is something I meditate on when I focus on the breath.  It helps (when doing breathing meditation) to focus on one location where the breath has a noticeable exchange with the physical body: for example, the belly rising and falling, the pressure and feelings around the nostrils as air enters and exits, the expansion and retreat of the chest. 

Dass describes his fear and panic at the moment where his thoughts had given up.  "It's scary because you're not thinking anything."  A natural state of nonthought... has become scary to our minds, so used to constant stimulation and DOING.

How can we not become afraid when we're so trained to DO, to PRODUCE, to BE something other than ourselves.  to CREATE.   I'm always writing ideas.  I have journals of shit.  Because I feel a compulsion to keep producing, keep thinking.  And suddenly, empty, I stop and see myself as the little rat on the wheel that I am.  And I laugh at myself, how silly it is to get caught up in momentary feelings of loneliness, anger, guilt, etc.  All become I have some idea about who I think I am, my ideas about others, and how those two "ought to" coincide.  Too many damn "oughts." 

"The emptier my mind was, the more optimal my response was to every situation.  i don't have any plan for what i'm going to say to you.  what i was suppposed to talk about?  what we say is what we say, the result of this situation."  (Dass excerpt from lecture).

As long as you think that there is a do-er, you're still attached.  Right now you may feel prone to identify yourself as reader.  Detach and witness the action of reading.  Breathe and welcome the emptiness that makes you throw your head back and laugh at how stupid it is to get wrapped up in little dramas.   I am a witness to the actions of thinking, speaking, listening.  I am not a reader, speaker, listener, etc.  Why cling to any one action--the nature of actions is that they change.  reading is.  speaking is.  writing is.

Some other highlights of Ram Dass' talk from above:

"Go to a place inside where the flame doesn't flicker.. watch your drama goes by.  desire as well, lust.  fear.  there it goes.  personality is like clothing.  body is clothing.  behind all this shit, here i am.  here we are.  here.  it is.

"Actions don't fall away but attachment to actions fall away. 

"It takes someone willing to give up the framework of their lives sufficiently to experience another orientation towards the universe to be able to know what needs to be known.  must give it all up first.  surrender the western model of who you are and how it works.  Become aware of the notion that you are a product of your environment...(something like that).


"if the body belongs to god, show me the paperwork."

^^ clever

Insurrection of the People

UK Riots. 

"What i was certain about listening to my grandson and my son...  something very serious is hapenning in this country. If you look at black and whites with a discerning eye and careful hearing they have been telling us and we wouldn't listen."
R: Does this mean you condone what is hapenning?"

He replies, "Of course not.  I don't call it rioting I call it an insurrection...of the masses of the people."  Akin to what's happening in Syria (and elsewhere)... "This is the nature of the historical moment."

Here are the video's top 2 comments:

"  WHEN YOU CUT FACILITIES, SLASH JOBS, ABUSE POWER, DISCRIMINATE, DRIVE PEOPLE INTO DEEPER POVERTY AND SHOOT PEOPLE DEAD WHILST REFUSING TO PROVIDE ANSWERS OR JUSTICE, THE PEOPLE WILL RISE UP AND EXPRESS THEIR ANGER AND FRUSTRATION IF YOU REFUSE TO HEAR THEIR CRIES. A RIOT IS THE LANGUAGE OF THE UNHEARD - MARTIN LUTHER KING

AkaashRAFIQ 3 hours ago 16
Reply
@AkaashRAFIQ When you give the govt power by accepting subsidies in the form of entitlements, you become a beggar at their door and a pawn to be used by either right or left to gain and win political/social favor. The rich get richer off of your complacence... violence is the uneducated's ONLY means of dissenting for change... Progressive ideology makes slaves of us all.



And what's even sillier, British Prime Minister Cameron is proposing to ban social media outlets like Blackberry BBM, Twitter, and Facebook because they allow people to communicate....but they're not people, of course.  They're RIOTERS.  Bloody rioters aren't people right?  So far they haven't been treated as people.  This is what happens when authorities abuse power (LAPD anyone?). 

"So we are working with the police, the intelligence services and industry to look at whether it would be right to stop people communicating via these websites and services when we know they are plotting violence, disorder and criminality," the prime minister said.

How fucking 1984 of Mr. Cameron.  Taking away rioters ability to use social media is akin to taking away a teenager's cell phone or car when they get in trouble.  The party that experienced some loss of freedom will always find another way. 
Or the riots will just inflate out of retribution.

Why not use social media to LISTEN to the messages they may be saying... is that not part of communication?  Listening...?

On Desire and Projections.

The world is a projection of our desires.  For instance, if you are hungry, all you will see are restaurants or food places.  If you are looking for a bank for an ATM, you will not notice the nice molding on the ridges of the historic buildings, but you'll be scanning feverishly for the street slot machine with a TV on it.  Just the same if you have to piss--the eye becomes a hawk for blue stick figures or Starbucks.

Everything we see is an inkblot.  Which do you see first, sand, city, polluted purple sky, crevices of sand, shapes, lines, shadows, footsteps, reflected light.. _____.????

I am guilty of projecting my desires onto others and following through with them as if they were on the same page as I am, then getting upset when my desires fall through (inevitably, they do...most of the time...since it's a cerebral dialogue or exchange anyway).  This is the problem with riding the clouds of emotion that bounce across the mind's sky--no grip.  No ground.

For instance, just this morning I felt as if this man was staring at me uncomfortably, wanting to talk to me or approach me, etc.  I wanted nothing to do with him.  Yet, I kept feeling this energy of being looked at.  Being pursued or watched, as if waiting for the opportune moment to pounce in and ask me what I'm reading.  Then I'd tell him I'm into Buddhism, read weird quacky theories about life, death, psychology, etc.  I read for escapism because television and movies are sometimes limiting to the imagination--too invasive for me sometimes.  I envisioned all of this happening and then I laughed.

Look at the lovely little story I created out of feelings of being watched.  The lovely little ego that got a cookie for being so god damn interesting and reading so many god damn books all the time.  What a god damn individual I am.  (As if no one reads books...?!) 

Simple feelings turned into a mechanism for action.  Which created more feelings (being special, ego pat on the head, pride, etc), more panic (not being accepted), a rise and fall within me as the man completely went on in silence and got up and left.  What was I looking for, approval?  A justification that I am desired or pretty or an interesting person or ______???

What are we looking for?  I saw an energy in the air because I put it there.  I envisioned it.  I breathed life into the idea that promoted the feelings within me.  Simply because I wanted to feel.  I had my back turned and my ego strolled in and decided it wanted to play.

Now how do does one get out of this trip?

The breath is the exchange of energy, as I read about in Ram Dass' The Only Dance There Is.
I experimented with this idea at the pool.  The dichotomy between underwater, above, air, water, detachment, and giving over to breathlessness (in order to really breathe) --> tangent.

The breath is taken into the intimate, dark places within you.  Things you've never seen but somehow have to trust to function.  The breath carries oxygen, a catalyst for energy to flow, a nomadic energy through the body invades and pulses out stale air.  What a lovely, refreshing cycle is all contained in the breath. 

My cat sees me and sees food because he wants food and I'm the food giver.  See? Here, he is realizing I have no food to give.

Come back to your body through the breath.  You will start to see the energies that are actually there and be able to laugh at them, as you realize they're all reflections of your desires, fears, and ego...playing it's little game.

On the Meditative Traumatic Release...

I am in the midst of something jarring--physically, psychologically, spiritually, etc.  I either had a:
    1. Seizure
    2. Epileptic fit
    3. Orgasm
    4. Spiritual Awakening / Opening of Chakras
    5. All of the Above

I couldn't open my hands, they were clamped shut.  It was terrifying and I feared I may bite my tongue off so I chewed on my fingers instead.  I started to calm down.  Pain, the pinching of my teeth into my skin centers me.  I look at the knife in my cup holder.  It slips across my mind like a cloud for a split second the notion that spilling blood could feel incredible and make me calm and normal again.  I put my hand down and fish for it with the cup of my hand.  My claw digger grabs it and fumbles.  It falls by my feet.  I thought about cutting my ankle or leg or something.  Pain helps, after all, right?
Distraction.
  Focused energy at one point in the body. 

Then I remembered my breath.  I forgot about the pain, the knife--and the suction-cup face energy turned to warmth.  Waves of oxygen/energy/? circulated and jarred my limbs, like a dog's uncontrollable running dream.

I felt I couldn't walk.  So I put my head down and my feet up onto the steering wheel for circulatory purposes.  My jaw is chattering, feeling like I have a suction cup over the lower part of my face--a suction-cup over my face and jaw.  Tingling, taught feeling of energy--perhaps breath energy leaving or going into my air passageway.  I think something left me.  I forced a negative breath energy out of my body by focusing, watching the breath.  Letting sound happen without clinging to them.  Reveling in the spaces, noises, notes in and around the sounds.

Prior to this ___, I had been chanting Om Mani Padme Hum in my car while sitting in traffic.  I felt a warm tingling in my stomach to begin with.  Then a sudden rush of ____ through my body, crippling me.  I was afraid, shaking, and yet felt strangely calm.  I had a bodily quake and felt comfortable expressing it and watching it unfold in the safety and privacy of my car (once I pulled over...safety first). 
I felt more present than ever.  I've read about releasing energies through meditation and breath, but wow.  This was a real trip.  :)

How to cool your jets

 "The best way to live life is as a soul, dancing in and out."

All you can do is dance.  The best way to spread joy is to lead by example.  Dance yourself, and slowly, surely, people will pick up on your energy.  Consciousness is contagious.

Dancing in sand.  with an orange. and an oil refinery...

Try it, someplace alone with a person.  Even alone with your ___ in bed.  Whatever you may call a significant other or just a person that happens to be laying next to you a random morning you don't quite recall...

Breathe mindfully, slowly.  The rhythm of your breath is contagious.  I've seen it.  I've made it happen myself.  I've allowed it to happen between myself and strangers, homeless, people who don't speak a lick of english but understand the higher language of energy. 

We can be present together.  And understand that we are sharing the air in this moment together, right now.  And that's all there is to it.  No need to be afraid of it.  No need to repress it, or run from it, asking ourselves, "I wonder what they're thinking." Or "I wonder where they got their hair done.  I don't like their shoes.  They are old lady librarian shoes.  I better pull out my phone.  This is weird.  Check email.  Oh, living social deal, wine and pizza, sweet.  Distraction distraction."

What a lovely little game we've fallen into.  This thinking in circles.  All we do is think, we deserve to pause for a bit and listen to the soundtrack.  Step out of it.

Ram Dass' core theme, Be Here Now...also the title of a lovely secular text embraced by free spirits all over.

Skills of redirection to the present is a  great tool.  When you're talking with so and so about blah blahblah often times you're living in the past, future, 70s, your mom's back porch, your bathtub...  Elsewhere talk.
Redirect the conversation to the here and now.  Ram Dass talks about making strawberry jam in the kitchen with his father, who was just rambling on and on with his miseries of past wives, his kids that don't call, loneliness, etc.  He had created a storyline and a leading role for himself as a miserable dude, and all RD said referred to making jam.  "Are bubbles supposed to rise to the top like this?"

Redirect the energy to the body.  The present.  What you are doing here and now.

I'll often run into people in the midst of errands downtown.  I really pay attention to how they're walking.  What they're carrying, in their hands, on the shoulders, on their bodies, in their heads--the eyes tell more than anything they could say.

a self portrait of sorts

I can tell this cat's stressed--neck forward, shoulders slumped.  Not really breathing in the stomach.  Tight belly and midsection.  Not alive in the hips, the feet, the toes. 
"Yo yo what's up," I say.
Spewing, "Oh my god...(exhales)....fje;ajea;fjelajfel;ajghresgjrsj" (Insert random errands, names, places, dogs, etc.)
"Me too, lets do it together.  Where you headed?"
And we walk together.
Breathing together.
Grabbing a coffee together.
Small talk, enjoying the sun, stopping for free samples of beer and wine at the beer shop.  Stopping for coffee.  All on the way to sign papers. 
Trudge through filling in blanks with dates, signatures.
Washing dishes, getting cat food, scooping cat shit, etc.

Nothing else to do but bask in each moment--each place we go, the sounds, smells, feelings of places, colours, energies of people, dogs, trees, cars, etc.  How lovely it is we are able to call things our responsibilities sometimes.  And then sometimes not.